Dear Diary,

Fine, we flew here, we didn’t take a plane and our hideout is a stinking rat hole which I love alright. Ella says that I belted out the Mission Impossible Theme song. It was probably because she was singing too loud and horribly to actually notice she was the one singing.

Nicholas keeps getting on my nerves by saying (blah…blah…blah) It’s a serious mission. I’ve been flapping my wings and screaming “To infinite and beyond for the past hour.

Our stinking rathole is filled with our sleeping bags and other stuff. I set the place up such that we have a cooking portable stove in one area where we heat up our C4 rations at night, the sleeping bags are arranged such that the girls are on one side and the boys on the other along with the corner for extra activities.

C4 rations are packets of food we heat up with C4. They are really small but there are all kinds of flavours. I had fried chicken wing and hamburger patties just now.

 Utopia is a real mess. The buildings are short and ugly and I don’t know why we’re here. Chiplotas says it has got to do with the Operation Grease guys who set up a main, big base here.

Operation Grease:

  Overhead Squad Leader, Mr. Nicholas Alexavier has signed the contract and agreed to take his squad to Utopia. The raid of the Oil Plant main base will be carried out in the following week, 13th January. The team members, Pizza, Hazel, Teddy and Ella, will carry out the mission together. Mr. Nicholas Alexavier will watch their backs in a tiny hidy-hole underground.

Grogans Derowen will be waiting outside the building in case of emergency. The mission controller, Mac Ferginard. Mac Ferginard will be stationed on the top of the building. Before the mission, layouts of the main base will be given out. These are to be memorised so that reference to the map will not be so frequent.

This mission is classified under medium risk as there is a 50% chance of being caught and a 50% chance of getting out safely.

There are heat sensors in all rooms of the main base so the squad captain will cool the members down with his powers. All members are not to resist these powers or use special enchantments on themselves. The heat sensors are adjusted such that only the squad captain’s power will be effective.

Squad Captain: Has most recent genetic twists for the “cooling” power. Had powers altered 897ioi

Each member will be given a code name.

Teddy:  F-22 Raptor

Ella: Albatros D.I

Hazel: F-117 Nighthawk

Pizza: F-15A Eagle

Team Captain: B-17 Flying Fortress

These names must be used in communication.

________________________________________________

 

Wow, I love this mission alright. I’m a F-22 Raptor. Don’t ask me where I got the paper from OK?

F-22 Raptor: *Transmittor crackles to life* F-117 Nighthawk, come in.

F-117 Nighthawk: *Crackles* Hey, Raptor.

Wow. I love my name.

Ok, Chiplotas (B-17 Flying Fortress) is calling,

F-22 Raptor

P.S. I think Chiplotas is Flying Fortress only because he’s so BIG.

P.S.S. And I swear Ella is acting all weird. She keeps accusing me of growing up and etc. Why doesn’t she think about herself? I mean, she goes all red and jerky when a boy walks past. And then she keeps watching me and recording the “signs”. She should really get down to recording her own. And she says I’m looking at Anna’s bust!!! I mean, how do you not notice Anna? She is still huge and she weighs 40kg still! And neglection caused me to fall all the way back to 25 kg. Anna? Hello? Have you been feeding me enough?

 

 

Dear Diary,

I don’t know WHAT is wrong with Ted. He keeps insisting that we flew to Utopia in a JETPLANE. For god’s sakes. We are Squad Overhead we don’t fly in no yubbly jet!!! We haven’t started on the whole planting the bombs thing yet, that sissy of a lump o’ lard, (i.e. Nicholas Alexavier) Chiplotas, says that its too wet for us to go out and plant bombs unless we fancy being able to have a fish farm in out wellies.

We met with Team Shadows and there is an AWFUL captain. Simply AWFUL!! His name is Grogans Derowen. He’s an albino and he looks AWFULLY freaky. Not like all the other cool albinos. His skin is practically chalk for all I know, its so delicate and pale that it looks like Anna’s expensive powder from Paris that we blew up a week ago. His eyes aren’t even properly the albino red, they’re just sorta pinky but still creepy. AND, he has BUCKTEETH. That is just awful karma. He and Chiplotas are on full agreement with each other and none of them are willing to send even ONE person out to plant the bombs.

Meanwhile, Teddy and I have been working on some AWESOME bombs. We drew up a few plans and since we brought tonnes of bombing materials, we are working on them now. I’m trying to connect a heating coil to the battery/timer. Once, the timer goes off, a HUGE spark of electricity will go through the heating coil which is wound around a metal canister. Once the metal canister gets heated, (in only 1.544 milliseconds), the concotion inside will be put to work. I put inside a bar of soap, plenty of highly-flammable oil, a nice little cocktail and a smaller canister of teargas. The cocktail is quite simple, enough vodka to run a bar for a week, (ALL compacted, of course), and a few nice little touches for that extra “boom”. The heated soap will react with the oil and the cocktail causing the compacted can to burst open sending steaming (as in really really STEAMING) compacted air shooting through at about 156777 km/h which will (of COURSE) break open the tear gas canister and spreading tear gas in the adjusted radius. A real beauty, isn’t it? 

And then I whipped up about 20 Exploding Cubes. All you need is a Oyrex bowl, potassium chloride, a hydrometer and bleach, Take the bleach and pour it into the Pyrex bowl and heat it. Add the potassium chloride to the bleach and boil it till the hydrometer reads 1.3. Wait for it to cool till it is room temperature before you retrieve all the crystals that have formed. Next, mix all those crystals (about 56 grams depending on how many) with distilled water. Boil it and cool it again. Ground the crystals firmly into powder and heat it till it dries. Melt 5 parts Vaseline with 5 parts wax. Disolve in petrol or gasoline, (whatever), Pour the liquid onto the crystals and knead it and allow the gasoline to evaporate. Mold it into a cube and dip it in wax to make it waterproof. We first got this Recipe from Jodi Picoult, (bless her) from her book , My Sister’s Keeper. And it turned out surprisingly well. But do NOT try this at home or you will probably face severe consequences from whoever is the “Anna” in your home. 

We are eating our meagre rations right now. Think pureed potatoes mash and sausages, chicken soup, two biscuits, a bagel and pizza wraps, (thanks to Pizza). Not nearly enough for ADHD kids plus those with high metabolism rates. In fact, that’s only about five hundred calories and we need four times that. Pizza is making more pizza wraps but I suspect Ted and I will probably go hungry.

Anyways, we explored the sewers a little more and we figured out an escape route. Even if we are surrounded, we can still use it. I blasted through the wall telekinetically and made a hole just big enough to crawl into. I blasted through until we reached this little tunnel. Just run through the tunnel and down the tiny waterfall of sewage with rivets of murky water. If you hang on to a pipe, you can make your way down safely. Keep walking till your reach a dead end and climb the ladder at the end up through the manhole cover. Brilliant, non? Right now, Hazel set up a little mini project that projects a hologram of a brick wall covering up the hole so if the enemy figures out the hideaway, they won’t know the escape route. 

Anna called again, unfortunately and just about deluged us with information about the alien thingies. She says that Dimwit and Belly were taken for ADHD testing and it turned out negative since she says both she and Jesse aren’t ADHD which is a little weird. How is that related to the aliens? Apparently, Belly and Dimwit said their first word with Belly first. Belly said mwa mwa and Dimwit said Dwa Dwa, which sounds like they have speach defects. Do aliens get that? Maybe they have a cleft lip. Who on earth speaks with extra “Ws”?! Hmm? And she says she is trying out a less extreme form of “hot-housing”. You know, flashing cards with the perdoric table on them and all sorts of stupid things. 

I hope the mothership hurries up and rescues them already,

ELLA 

P.S. Just to make things clear, we were sent by Ocean Blue not the YTA

Dear Diary,

We finally arrived in Utopia and Nicholas Alexavier (or however you spell his stoopid name as stoopid names are for stoopid people, everyone knows THAT) hasn’t stopped complaining about the joyful, morale-uplifting tunes that I have been singing to cheer up the team. Not to mention the fact that Hazel, in her words, has got severely pissed off with me especially when Teddy starting belting out the tune to Mission Impossible III with me.

We are staying in an AWESOME hide-out, its a little stinky and maybe has a little bit of a rat infestation but its home sweet home. It’s pretty hard to get into. We had to sneak into it in the middle of the night. Utopia, even under the cover of night, is virtually a slum. Sure, there are skyscrapers but they just churn out noxious fumes of carbon dioxide emissions. Everyone there seems very raggedy and malnourished. All their street lamps were either knocked down, blown out or gone. So, it made it pretty easy to sneak into our hideout. On West District, SDX3290K178654 Alley, there is a huge manhole cover that you can NOT miss. Alexavier put his lump o’ lard to use and lifted the manhole covers. You have to leap down and once you are in the air is a little musty but still breathable. Unfortunately, the stench of diesel oil used for lubricating the pumps didn’t cover the rising stench of rot from the sewage water. It sorta an oil-yellow with a bit of dark green and there’s a visible layer of oil. You have to race down (trust me, you MORE-THAN need the momentum) the corridor on one of the narrow concrete ledges before grabbing hold of a handy handhold (geddit?) which is actually just a flimsy pipe, transfer your center of gravity to your right and swing yourself around the corner before letting your feet briefly touch the ledge and leap to the other side. Teddy went first but he didn’t leap but managed to teleport to the other side before he fell into the mucky water. Pakii went flying out of his pocket and Teddikins was sobbing until April levitated him out of the water. On the other side, there is a series of pipes leading into a dank, damp tunnel. There’s a very tiny footpath where you have to walk indian-style (in single file and I’m talking about your feet too) since the pipes are very slippery. As May found out when she slipped and just about fell on a rat, (and that pretty much hurt anyone in a mile’s radius eardrums). After you walk about fifteen metres, zip abruptly to the right again. You have to begin hurtling through the air again and somehow clear about 0.75 metres of sewage before you land on the opposite ledge. And, ta-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Our ultra-secret hideout.

The hideout is pretty simple. Only a small rectangular room with concrete walls and floor with a single doorway and a couple of air vents. It was pretty mucky at first and I’M saying THAT. Hazel errected a perimeter spell to prevent intruders or unfriendly spy-equipment and April and May whipped up a cleaning spell and had the room way too clean ,in my opinions anyways, in a matter of seconds. Teddikins and I set up all the sleeping rolled-up futons (a sorta mattress and not at all like a sleeping bag) and did an inventory on all our supplies. Pizza got a fire going in the most AWESOME way I’ve ever seen. You see, there’s a little gas pipe in a tiny niche. She unwound it and using a flame, created a cooking flamethrower. She’s using it to roast a pizza right now. That silly lump o’ lard was busy tacking up a whiteboard and a map of all our strategic bombing points. All the rest were busy unpacking and errecting various security, conjuring and cleaning spells. We are gonna go with the schedule and are only going to start the placing of timed bombs tomorrow, unfortunately.

Right now, that silly Alexavier or Nicholas or Chiplotas, I’m not too sure, has instated a curfew. Teddikins, Piz, Hazel and moi have just returned from an expedition around the sewers. We got on our camoflage booties, camoflage ponchos and a camoflage torch and went splish-sploshing around the whole place. There’s a lot of little tunnels and rooms and we even found a pumping room. Then, silly old Anna called up and Chiplotas who is half-in-love with Anna called us back so we could just listen to her drone on about taking our sleeping pills, washing behind our ears (Anna= Heretic) and a lot of silly froompy stuff. Everyone’s supposed to be going to sleep now. Hazel is supervising Teddikins and my washing. We set up this washbasin and a mirror and got a magically-full jug of warm water and got out our flannels. We washed just about everything, supervised by Hazel. Now, everyone’s in their camoflage PJs and are all snuggling to bunk down. I just unrolled my camoflage futon and Hazel force=-fed me my nightly sleeping pills so I won’t wake her up and stare at her as usual.

Hmmph,

ELLA the camoflaged

Dear Diary,

Teddy and Ella have left for Utopia and Ella won’t stop singing (out-of-tune no less) her version of “Follow the Yellow Brick Road”.

The darling babies are progressing just SO fast. I swear, Dimitri nearly said “Dada” this morning! Belle is progressing awfully fast and she looks SUCH a delight in her beautiful lacy onesies. You won’t BELIEVE the wadrobe I shopped off E-bay for them.

Belle is such a picture today with Dimitri sitting in the double-buggy. She’s got on her little pinafore with lace trim and a pretty bunny-checkered shirt underneath the pinafore. She inherited Ella’s ability to change her hair length and colour but only that not her bone structure. It’s currently down to her elbows and a beautiful gold just like her mwommy’s isn’t she, hmm, cutie-wootie-woo? I plaited it into two pigtails and tied the ends with big blue velvet bows. Her adorable little feet have the most beautiful Sketcher Sneakers. They have little “Ss” with daisies surround the “S” hanging off the front. Pink bands, too. She has a pretty lace-trimmed blankie covering her frame and she’s sleeping peacefully. Dimitri doesn’t have ADHD and is gorgeously adorable too. He’s in matching overalls to his twin sister’s and he’s got a army-checkered shirt underneath. His hair is dark and neatly parted down to the last follicle. His sneakers are the cutest camoflage ones I’ve EVA seen!! They’re the limited-edition, vintage camoflage Sketchers I bought of Shoe-Bay yesterday.

Moving on to the adults, Jesse has a TERRIBLE post-natal-fever. I’ve followed Nurse Nightingtale’s book on nursing very closely on how to care for him. He’s in a well-ventilated room with plenty of sunshine. I scrub his room in piping-hot water with lots of disinfectant everyday so it remains nice and clean. I covered the windows with heavy swags of curtain that DO allow SOME light to pass through. I pulled his bed out into the middle of his room so he has plenty of air circulation . His chief medicine is beef-tea which those good little duckies made for him. I’m feeding him on chicken gruel which seems to do wonderfully for him. I’ve got an IV drip into his veins which pump in a vegetable-rice porridge and plenty of nutrients. I constantly mop up his head which is always covered with beads of sweat. He’s much better already and can sit up properly and just about walk now.

Now, to the talk of the babies again. I just finished decorating and furnishing their room. I painted the room with sunny yellow non-toxic, hypoallergic, anti-mould and damp paint. I wallpapered on a adorable wallpaper of bunnies in strips at the bottom and the top. Their cribs are beautiful. Both are intricately carved and painted in white with a mobile dangling above. There is a changing-table, nightlight, baby gym from Pizza, a play-pen from Hazel and a little treasure chest filled with all the toys they’ve recieved. I put in a little alcove with a fitted shelf and its filled with little stuffed-toys.

Oh goody! Jesse just vomited over the rug,

ANNA

Dear Diary,

Teddy as usual is being horribly biased. Sure, Belly is girly and exactly like Anna but she IS still an alien like Dimwit. It’s not fair to her. Just because she doesn’t mind wearing all sorts of silly frilly onesies, Teddy seems to think she is worse-off then Dimwit. She didn’t do anything. She just inherited Anna’s disposition. Dimwit’s a lot like Jesse, and not necessarily ALWAYS in the good points. Fastidously clean, not bouncy at all (so much for ADHD. Anna and Jesse don’t have it so I guess he doesn’t either) and terribly goody-two-shoes. He’s still fun to use as a volleyball though. Once you inflate their onesies with helium they can really SOAR. We yoinked one of Anna’s flimsy old one-ply tights which do oh so wonderfully as volleyball nets.

Pizza sent over a load of alien-thingies for the two little aliens. She got them little pizza-patterened onesies and a awesome baby gym which has barbed wire (of course, with little pizzas stuck on the sharp bits), an obstacle course, a tyre swing, a sand-pit burrow warren and a HUGE water slide that winds down into a swimming pool.

Belly and Dimwit are progressing pretty fast. Their little alien wings are sprouting and they have begun flapping them lots (as if that does anything). Anna keeps cooing and fussing about them in between stuffing Jesse with beet-soup and goodness knows what. The vertically-challenged little aliens who are dimunitive in size AND in nature seem to take up most of her attention, leaving us to blow up things with remarkable ease. She didn’t even notice that we had done our evening entertainment and just sat on the smouldering wreckage, whistling and flipping through a BabyDior Catalogue. Speaking of ridiculously small alien clothes, she bought them enough clothes to stitch together and clothe the mothership. At least about 5000 baby socks the sizes of my pinkie. Ridiculous. As if it can fit onto aliens.

We just got back a term report. I degressed to a D-triple minus while Ted, who now slaves away like a goody-two-shoes, got an A+. He was murmuring all sorts of math-y stuff under his breath when he was scribbling on his math test and he even got that silly 6×6x6= 216 question. He’s just SO smart now. Makes me feel *schneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef* a little *schniff schniff* drop-dead stoooopid.

Well, to get to the main point of my title anyways. Currently, we are off for Utopia. And Hazel is still trying to strangle me when the big o’ lump of lard of our captain isn’t looking since I’m still in my rendition of “Follow the Yellow Brick Road”. Teddy and I are relying on our wings while the rest of the team are on broomstick or are levitating. We are a quater-ways into our journey and we shouid arrive in Utopia by tomorow. Right now, everyone is in camoflage they even rolled in the mud with us after soccer practice (much to Hazel’s disgust).

Teddy: *sticks his nose up in the air* I can’t believe we are coated in this awful muck. I can’t wait to get back home and soak in a hot bath while reading Mermadian history.

Me: Formerly-Cool-Now-Hopelessly-Dorky Dude say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Hmm… You know what, I think Teddy is growing up!! He’s so smart and everything plus he’s centered around Anna’s bust. I swear, next thing you know, he’s gonna be putting on aftershave or god-know’s what.

Mortified,

ELLA

Dear Diary,

Jesse got a fever. Very bad. Jesse can’t get up and  he throws up like Anna used to. He has a temperature of 44.8 degree celsius which is bloomin’ high for him, Jesse usually has 35.5-36.2 so you can imagine.

Quidditch practice is cancelled 24/7. Jake can’t take over because of the match against the school on the 4th and we need professional training.

Anna is busy with the Belle and Dimitri in our house. Belle is all girly like Anna. I prefer Dimitri. He’s got hair already and a pair of wings which unfortunately, can’t change colour like mine. Dimitri is skinny and small but Belle is all chubby and babyish, they are pretty different.

Being 14 is NO FUN!!! We turned fourteen last year so by right, we are studying 15 year old stuff. We have a bomb-load of history topics to cover and the how to look after your pets sessions are getting shorter.

At least I’m not as unlucky as Anna who takes double English and Double arithmancy and blah-blah-blah, especially QUADRUPLE HISTORY. 4 hours in a row listening to the Rock Rebellion, I could go nuts.

We stay in Ocean Blue as long as we want and since mutants study level is so high, we study until we are 25 years old or we just kick out and stay stupid. I still have 10 years more in Ocean Blue!!!

Anyway, back to Jesse. I think the Quidditch match may be postponed because the captain is the most important part of the team. *Ooooh…there he goes again (threw up again)*.

Anna has been giving him all kinds of “nutrients” and phony medecines. Jesse hugs Dimitri and Belle despite his sickness. Anna doesn’t complain [she lost the fatness, now she is back to normal but she has a HUGE bust now].

She has been ******-feeding Belle and Dimitri which I will noe elaborate on. She also makes NUTRI-Mutant for them which is basically this milk for babies with loads of mutant nutritious foods ground and blended in together. Tasty…

 I got 6/10 for the recent Pop Quiz in Maths. [Hey. I got 3 marks for the thing no one else got in Math Class. The question was (_x_x_=216) Easy peasy, 6. I don't get why nobody knew.

Anna cooed over me yesterday. She still gets sudden shocks and starts acting weird. Anyway, she said I had been a great boy and that I was still a great boy. Uh...what's that supposed to mean? It sounds kind of abstract.

Hazel came over with 5 presents each for the babies. A pair of mittens for each, a conjoining playpen which can be seperated, they have different designs on each half though. [Dimitri got army themed and Belle got little bunnies.] Hazel got Dimitri an ‘It’s a boy!’ balloon and Belle an ‘It’s a girl!’ balloon, a dog tag for Dimitri, a little necklace with a pearl for Belle and a toy rattler for each of them.

It’s like the two of them are toys. Anna tosses them about and dresses them up, feeds them and etc.etc. Dimitri and Belle can’t stand up yet but at the rate their growing and the way they are already gurgling, they will probably be walking around by 7 months. (Mutant babies mature 5 times as fast as the average one.)

Anna is making pancakes for me and 10 milkshakes too! She said she’s putting lime and lemon in the batter for the pancke though. YUCK. She’s still got the habit and she’s making millions of different emails, weirdo.

annacoral@mermaidian.com

CAnnAoral@oceanmail.com

Annabanana@mailfish.com

annamelodicoral@oceanbluemail.com

annastargirl@starfishair.com

And so many more. She scribbles the down on her post-it pads and sticks them around her laptop. Jesse doesn’t say a single thing about it at all.

I heard Jesse and Anna discussing 3rd child and ‘Dimitri is one year younger than Belle which is true. Belle is born on 31st December and Dimitri on 1st January the next day. Cool.

Dimitri has a disorder similiar to mine and Ella’s, ADHD. He can’t stop squirming about. He doesn’t have dyslexia though. Belle too. But Belle, like her parents, does not suffer from ADHD. Dimitri and Belle do not have dyslexia so that means they will do SO well in their studies.

Anna is 14 and Belle andDimitri are 0 so in the 10 more years Anna will spend hear…Belle and Dimitri will be 10 years old! Wow, they’ll grow so much.

Oh, wait.

Ella: It’s your turn to wash the hamst’r cage Ted!

Me: No, I cleaned it yesterday.

Ella: You have to cleaned it again t’day cos Anna said so.

Me: Fine, Smelly dude.

Ella: Stop that before I throw the mud bomb at you.

Me: Sounds good.

Ella stomps away. I think I’ll just clean it…hey wait a sec. Anna just told me this morning that Ella had to clean out the hamster cages.

Off to strangle Ella and throw a Shepherd’s pie at her.

FURY*FURY*FURY,

Teddy

Dear Diary,

Jesse is down with a bout of post-natal-fever, or that’s what Anna claims anyways. Since Anna’s so busy molly-coddling him, Ted and Moi Truly have to feed Anna, Jesse, Teddy, Most Awesome Me and the two little alien thingies. Anna insisted that we make beef-tea, chicken-soup and all sorts of strange, icky things like beet-soup for instance. We managed to find this wacky cooking-book but half of it is scribbled on in Pig Latin so we just have to fend for ourselves and make up most of it. I’ve got the recipes for beet-soup, chicken-soup and beef-tea.  -BEET-SOUP-1) Drain and wash the beets (can’t be the right plural but that part had something about beemay so you just have to make it all up) before blowing it up with about 1.5 kg of C-4, (what?! we had to improvise, reading pig latin is tough).  2) Double-boil the beet mash (we couldn’t figure out how you double boil so we just added double the amount of ingredients needed! aren’t we smart?) till it is a greyish-purple-red and simply remove the beet mash and serve the soup! -BEEF TEA-1) Cut up about two pounds (1kg) of beef into pieces no more than nano-millimetres wide. 2) Add detergent, bacon grease and cat hair to the mixture before roasting it,’3) Boil the roasted mixture until it looks like it might come back to life then serve with the beef removed. -CHICKEN SOUP-1) Boil chicken feathers and serve.   And of course for the little alien thingies. Anna says that they need to be fed milk but seeing as we can’t find the mothership we just had to substitute. It’s made of cows’ milk, barley, melted glucose sweets, owls’ milk and a good deal of nutrients so Ted and I named it Alien Nutri-Milk. Anna, fortunately for all that is good and holy and tasty and super-clean (QUOTE: ANNA), made dinner and for once, it didn’t have clove-flavoured chewing gum, pus-coloured eyeliner or Zinc or all of the above mentioned. Just a normal Linguini Marinara. Life is just so boooo-ring now. Sigh… However, the Operation Grease isn’t as stagnant as it looks like. The day after next, they are sending us into Utopia to plant the bombs and generally cause havoc which is a hobby of mine. We mixed up a massive batch of bombs all designed to generally wreck things but not kill. We already are planning all the strategic plans and have the blueprints to all the toilets in the city. Anna made us pack and I’ve got a list of all the stuff we “gloomped” into our haversacks. 1. 5 Camoflage Hoodies (they change according to your background)2. 2 Camoflage Torques3. 2 Camoflage No-fingerprint-or-residue Gloves4. 2 Camoflage Sneakers5. 5 Camoflage Baggy Jeans6. 20 Camoflage Socks7. All our bombing equipment8. GPS Strategic Bomb Points9. 8 Camoflage T-Shirts And, that’s about it. A LOT of camoflage stuff are needed since we need to go under the cover of camoflage.  Ooops, Jesse wants his beef-tea,ELLA   

Dear Diary,

Since Teddy and Ella already typed out what looks like three thousand words, I shadn’t share with you the most touching moment of all my lives, (which is saying a LOT). I will go according to sequence and flood you with a deluge of descriptions from the Winter Mixer.

I found the most DELIGHTFUL dress a girl can have! It is drop-dead gorgeous and SOOOOO fashionable. It’s a Valentino piece from the Moderene (yes…yes… I know its french but I DO need to study for a quiz) collection. OK, I will start from Inside-Out. I put on a glorious slip with LOADS of tulle sewn onto it so it will shape the dress nicely. And over that a be-yooootiful beaded underskirt which is meant to be shown off. Then, the main centerpiece of my delight. The Valention piece is stunning. It has a single right twisted, toga-style strap and has DELICIOUS folds of champagne-colored waves of silk. Long and flowing until it ends in a champagne-colored puddle which trails. I have matching champagne-colored silk heels which are ballet-style with ribbons winding all the way up my leg. And my hair, of course! The pentacle of my cosmetic achievment! I had  it dyed brunette and lengthened it plus got gold highlights. June helped me twirl in into this beautiful honeycomb ontop of my head and she even loosed a few strands and curled them into tendrils! It’s held in place with a beautiful shell-comb with diamonds encrusted on it which holds the chignon knot in place. My make-up was FLAWLESS! I looked simply, stunning even though Teddy and Ella kept sniggering at me.

And don’t get me STARTED on Ella and Teddy! I got Teddy this gleaming white tuxedo suit with a nice cheery bright turqoise dress shirt with vertical frills. ALL from Miu Miu! I even found a pair of heavily polished, leather dress shoes with silver buckles for him so he can’t wear his trainers. Pity, he ruined his outfit. He swapped his tuxedo suit pants for a pair of his mud-caked, torn, baggy denim jeans and ripped off the frills from his dress shirt and had Quidditch Crests printed on it. He ditched his tuxedo jacket and ruffled up the hair which I had perfectly styled for him. How rude…

Ella was terrible too. I got her this attractive, hot-pink, frilly number from Juicy Couture and she DESTROYED it!! She dyed it black and ripped it up and put on her baggy jeans underneath, that little twerp!! Fortunately, I managed to glam it up at the last minute. And sewed velvet patches to it to give it that emo look which she pronounced absolutely and utterly yu—- I mean @#$%^& (yubbly).

Well anyway, to get to the main point. Soooo, you must be quizzical. WHY on EARTH am I so full of cresting joy, hmm? Well, my beautiful daughter, Belle was born along with my darling son, Dimitri! Belle’s full name is Belle Inna Kosravsi and Dimitri’s is Dimitri Petr Koravsi. “Inna” means “strong water” which makes sense to me since we live at the bottom of the ocean and all. “Petr” means “rock” which is utterly chauvinistic to me but Jesse got dibs on him anywayz. Belle is beautiful and she looks exactly like me. A mop of perfectly curled sandy brown rings, pale almond-shaped grey eyes and my mouth and nose. Dimitri, bless him, looks more like Jesse, with his dark, ruffled, straight hair and the sharp (not too large) nose and the big, slightly floppy earlobes. I already co-oardinated the twins’ wardrobes and EVERYTHING is designer down to the last baby sock.

Happy as Pie,

ANNA

Dear Diary,

The strangest thing happened today. Anna began screaming bloody murder, (quite normal but read on…) and this huge egg and this weird alien thingy which can STARE at you popped out of her. Jesse says that that was IT. Quite disappointing. I was expecting something about five mega-tonnes of C-7(Improved version of C-4) but Anna seemed insulted when I mentioned that. Anyways, I will go through it bit by bit for you, you poor-little-idiotic-nincompoop-who-doesn’t-even-know-a-thing so look into my mystical crystaaaaaaaaaaaaal baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall…

At about twelve hundred OBT (Ocean Blue Timezone), Anna began have her booooo-ring, stiff birthday lunch. She invited all her buddies from her cleaning classes, River(she accidentally called him Riv-Riv but Jesse very nearly burst into tears so she pretended to be talking to a wall), Janessa, Janetta, Hazel, April, Russel, May, Cody, June (MOST unfortunately for those in visual range of Anna as June is now her fashion consultant), Pizza, Choco, Blueberry and some “fashionable people”(God bless blindfolds at this point of time). Anna whipped up a clover-chewing-gum potluck, lemon-based linguini and oodles more stuff that is tastier when found in the average dumpster. unfortunately, for our retinas, tastebuds and senses of smell (trust me, fashionable people wear a wee bit too much perfume with wee being about a gallon) which were already assaulted. We managed to sneak away in the end though. When Anna was dishing out her signature lemon meringue pie with clove-flavoured chewing gum latticed edges, we threw a Decoy Detonator and vanished with a “poof”(more like a “whump” actually since the decoy detonator was a little past its sell-by-date and it flew into June’s humongous, flabby butt. We got the Klaxon going at 99 soundbytes and got everyone invited into the treehouse after the usual ten minutes period when they recover their senses and can actually walk past the sound vibrations (no mean feat). The part-aaaaay was awesome. The candy-floss machine was on overdrive we had bomb going off anywhere and in other words, it was utter bliss (more widely-known as your version of chaos). Anna even popped up and wasn’t a widgen angry but a looked a little peeved. Well anyway, we got started on the pinata that cost $15000000000000 in just the candy filling let alone the patches of glazed, coloured liquorice that made up the skinw which held it all together. There were Super-Fudge-Marshmallow-Filling-Caramel-Crunch bars, Gobstoppers the size of your fist(Hazel had Terry Bel on speed dial in case someone choked if they could get it into their mouths in the first place), Super-Expadali-Doociously-Fluffy-Marshmallows the size of your head or 0.000000008/10000000000000000000th of June’s butt and about a tonne more of different sweets. Unfortunately we neved DID get to start the bomb scavenger hunt. Sure, the party was a blast but we had to postphone it till next week. Why?

Mainly, because Anna started screeching and shrieking the tune to “God Save the Queen” which sounded more like a chainsaw running since she was grinding her teeth lots. She had enough icy sweat pouring down her cheeks to make the second YangTze River and then she grabbed Jesse’s year and ground her teeth into it which in truth sounded something like this…

Anna: Grrrrrr….Rrrrrrr…..Yoooooodles….Grrrrr….Preeeetzeeeel….

Jesse: Gosh! Now?! Oh my holy goggles!

Anna: Yoooooooosh….Grrr….Yoooooodles…..Preeeetzeeeeel,,,

TRANSLATION DONE BY “GRR” ONLINE TRANSLATOR:

Anna: Jesse, my waters broke! IT is COMING!!

Jesse: What?! Godzilla? Oh my holy goggles!

Anna: No you silly *&#$%@ (yubble, she was swearing lots)!! Get me a pretzel!!

The rest of us were too busy getting sugar rushes to notice it much. Anna squeal ike a piggy tomato and lassoed Jesse before scooting away faster than when Jesse makes her favourite clove-flavoured, lemon filled, pus-yellow eyelinered pie. Which is INFINITELY fast. Faster than the blink of the diseased, jaundiced, mortal eye. We all zang (isn’t my vocabulary wonderful? Honestly, they still haven’t registered the past tense of zing into the dictionary, those slow morons) down after them and into the vast garden beneath the treehouse. Anna was panting and her tongue was practically touching the ground from exhaustion and she suddenly halted in the middle of the lawn before collapsing (if she wasn’t HALF as piggy, I would have said her legs folded like a delicate fawn’s but since she IS piggy, it was more like a giant-killer-tomato collapsed inwards). Then the conversation went on like this:

Jesse: We need to call Doctor Terry Bel! Anna might die soon!

Ella: What HAVE you been FEEDING her? She looks more like a tomato-pig then a avian-pig.

Jesse: She might DIE!!!!

Teddy: Yeah, I think so too…

Jesse: THANK YOU, Ted!! Now get Terry!!

Teddy: *continues*I’m surprised too that this lawn can actually SUPPORT her weight!

Ella: Yeah, I thought it broke when that whale crashed into this? Anna’s three times that whale’s size!
Jesse: WE NEED TO CALL DOCTOR TERRY BEL!!!!

Teddy: Yeah Right, like HE can do ANYTHING.

Ella: Teehee… poooooooooop…oops I mean, umm…he’s useless-er than a broken, trod-on twig!

Hazel(miss goody-two-shoes): Maybe we should really call him…

Teddy(the geek masquerading as a surfer dude): No way dude!

Of course, in the end we speed-dialled that stupid lump of lard and he arrived clutching this HUGE black suitcase FULL of medical scapels and all sorts of strange stuff. He asked Jesse if Anna had die later yet (honestly, TERRIBLE english right over here) and Jesse replied something about an MI6 wouldn’t have found anything on ME. Then, Jesse fetched one of Anna’s good linen Egyptian-Threadcount-800 bedsheets and hung her up with her flabby butt hanging off the edge. And then, “Dr.” Bel got all sorts of medical-y equipement out of his straight-from-a-morgue doctor bag.

He gave her a shot of morphine and got her back frozen before massaging her ahem… slightly “rotound” tummy (which looks like a blown-up beach ball that will explode soon if you don’t stop inflating it) with some raspberry oils to apparently encourage IT to get out of its host body (ah… yes… Jesse explained it ALL to us VERY clearly). He scooped some mashed, stewed raspberry mixed with a lot of alcohol and brandy onto Anna’s belly and left it there to marinate, I think. Anna didn’t seem to care much if it was for marinating or not she was albeit too busy screaming bloody murder and scaring the gutz out of everyone in the one mile radius (trust me, she should NOT have taken those opera classes. She sounds like Paravotti was taking vocal steroids). And then arrived the faitfhul moment when Jesse FINALLY explained EVERY little thing to us.

Jesse: You two have GOT to understand what has been going on lately…

Teddy and Me: Stop talking gibberish, you baboon! What is IT in the first place??!??!?!

Jesse: *gulps (dunno what he’s gulping, I’ll let you in on a secret. Most of his fluids have already escaped through his umm… tear ducts)down saliva* IT is well…a baby

Teddy: A *#$!*&-ing BABY??!! (Yubbling)

Ella: (P.S. Teddy has some SERIOUS over-exaggeration issues in his diary writing…not that I have been looking of course) What’s a baby?

Jesse: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell…umm…It’s inside her and all,,,

Teddy and Ella: INSIDE?! As in TECHNICALLY inside?!? Gosh! EEEEEEEEEEW!!!

Jesse: Bugger off, you two spoilt brats. Pregnancy is a beautiful and natural thing and it is no reason for EEEWS that haven’t been heard of since Anna made lemon cookies!!!! *stalks off experasated*

Teddy: Boogers…

A baby… At first I didn’t really know what it was but I’m not getting an A-triple-star in Petting Classes for NADA. You know, as in a baby, stooopid! Like a hamster baby, a calf, a lamb, a puppy, a kitten that sorta things. Hmm… I wonder how Anna got one inside of her. Surgery? Anyway, at this point the real fun starts…

(8 WHOLE hours later…)

It was a dark, stormy night… OK, first things first. No, we are not in the Peanuts’ funnies and no, it wasn’t stormy it was actually pretty clear-skied. Terry Bel yanked this egg the size of a papaya out of Anna’s gargantuan bottom. It looked a LOT like an owl egg. Smooth, delicate, pale and oval.

Terry Bel: What the??!? HOW on EARTH could it be an EGG?!!??!?!

Anna: All that work and folic-acid tablets for a BLOODY EGG?!!!

Jesse:Its…its….its…BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

Ella: Ooooooooh! Boiled egg for supper, anyone?

Teddy: I want mine with fettucini on top!!! And NO lemon!!

Anna was pretty darn pleased, despite all her complaints that all her hard work was something that could have come for a chicken. I pointed out it was an owl egg but she whapped my head with the egg, so I shut up. “Dr.” Terry cut some strange bloody tubing which was sorta like a sucker stuck to the egg and tied a balloon knot at the end connected to the egg. He sent Anna and the rest of us that made up the straggly bunch to the dorm but leeeeetle did Anna know that the storm had not blown over.

At 12.45 and 1.23452525354253425345243524 milliseconds (I couldn’t sleep, counting seconds is instinct to an ADHD kid) the egg hatched. This minature thingy of Anna was lying in the egg shards with her egg horn on her head. 

Jesse: Oh my holy goggles! It’s ADORABLE!!!!!!!!

Anna: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh…. *begins grinding teeth again*

Then, to cut a long story short since I already wrote more than a thousand words and my fingers are MAJORLY tired, she gave birth to a really freaky alien which looked lots like the one in the egg.

(PRESENT)
Anna: Ooooh…oooh! I wanna name the girl, Belle!!!

Jesse: I got dibs on the boy. He’s gonna be named… (big ominous music)…Dimitri Petr!!

Ella: Belly? Dimwit?

Teddy: Gosh, we could have picked better names…

OFFICIALLY FREAKED THE @#$%^& (Yubbly) OUTTA ME,

ELLA THE COOL DUDETTE WHO RAWKS

Dear Diary,

I was so excited about the party at the treehouse. Anna’s party did turn out better than expected, as in we did have a chat with Hazel and I did get to bomb River so that part was pretty much covered in like about 3 hours time. Then Janetta had Science class and left, Anna’s cleaning buddies left too, a couple stayed though.

Then the group of us rushed off to the treehouse (before Jesse and Anna could catch up.) In the treehouse, we turned the music to “CORAL BUSTERS vol.4″ and blared it at like 100 on the volume meter.

It was like a madhouse in the treehouse. We turned on the tiny TV in there and watched cartoons. Then we played Quidditch outside for a while.

When we got back into the treehouse, Anna and Jesse surprised us by climbing up too. Anna had this wide, almost stupid smile plastered all over her face and she looked like a hauted rag doll or something.

We started on the pinata and we were really trying to ignore Anna’s scary smile. She was looking more and more strained by the moment. I betted she was going to start crying.

True enough, the moment she realised we were trying to ignore her, her eyes brimmed up with tears and that made us have to turn round, apologise and do all that soppy stuff Anna is very particular about.

Then we witnessed the SCARIEST scene we had ever seen since we watched the show ‘Girl Power’ where they live in perfume world and have beds made out of the softest, hottest pink silk.

 I’ll explain part-to-part.

[Part 1]

Anna stood up and whispered something to Jesse. Jesse eyes widen in shock or was it fear?  Then Anna gets up and holds on to her balloon of a stomach. Then Anna starts sweating cold sweat.

[Part 2]

We’ve broken the pinata and collected the sweets, now we’re staring apprehensively at Anna. Anna squeals, clutches her belly and turns toward the rope ladder leading down to the garden. Jesse follows along, picking up the container of zinc he had with him.

[Part 3]

Obviously, we follow, we need to know what is going on. Is it IT? The whole treehouse party follow down. Jesse is supporting Anna who is trying to sit down desperately, screaming like a wild animal in a net charged woth 10′000′000 volts of electricity.

[Part 4]

Jesse is clinging on to Anna’s arm and trying to push her body upright but failing to do so. You have got to admit it was kind of comical. Anna holding on to her sizeable lump, us running after her, Jesse gripping onto her. Man…I have NEVER seen such a thing in my life. I feel like throwing a firecracker in the air!

[Part 5]

So it went on like this until we were halfway across the lawn. Then Anna decided she couldn’t go on and just lay there, her humongous belly heaving.

Jesse: We need to call doctor Terri Bel!

Me: Like he can do anything.

Ella: I think Teddy’s right, Terri Bel is as useless as a broken twig.

Hazel: Maybe we should really call him…

Teddy: No way dude!

[Part 6]

In the end, we had to call in doctor Terri Bel. Jesse was shifting from foot to foot and I’ll swear he would have burst into tears if not for his pride. Doctor Terri Bel soon arrived with his phony doctor suitcase and asked Jesse something about “dilated”. Jesse replied something about “Dunno, search me”.

[Part 7]

Anyway, doctor Terri Bel tells Jesse to fetch a cloth, he comes back with a bedsheet! They lay it out beneath Anna. Then they push her into such a position such that her big bum is slightly overlapping the cloth.

[Part 8]

Doctor Terri Bel props Anna’s legs up, rolls his sleeves up and rubs his hands. Then Jesse lifts Anna’s shirt up to reveal her big tummy. (According to doctor Terri Bel’s instructions). Then he starts pouring water over Anna’s tummy like it’s supposed to do something. I don’t think t did anything because she started screaming again.

[Part 9]

After about 1 hour, Anna is still screaming like a wild pig and I’m still staring, this is not so comical anymore, you look into Anna’s eyes and you see utter fear in there, just blank, dark fear.

[Part 10]

Whoah, there’s getting to be alot of parts. From where I was standing, I could here doctor Terri Bel talking about “contractions” and “painkillers”. Ella and I asked Hazel what was happening, she said Anna was in labour. Aha! Got it out of her. I know labour means hard painful work but Anna isn’t doing work, she lying on the ground with her legs propped up.

And the grass around Anna is super wet. I mean it is flooding up! I think I better go help her out.

[Part 11]

Me: Jesse, is Anna OK?

Jesse: Flibber. Anna…d..d..darn, I…I…I…look. Anna. It.

Me: JESSE!

Jesse: Uh? Ur, wha?

Me: Is Anna Okay?

Jesse: I, I don’t r…really know.

Doctor Terri Bel: I think she should be fine as long as  we get her morphine and anaestathic.

Jesse: Then get it!

Me: *Looks on quizzically*

Doctor Terri Bel: The only thing is that I can’t remember where I put it!

Jesse: What?

Me: *Stares up slightly as Ella comes nearer.

Anna: Owweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh Guggle!

Jesse: Help her.

Doctor Terri Bel: What do I do? kids…

Me: What in the World is it with Anna?

Jesse: Come here Teddy.

Ella: I’m coming too.

[Part 12]

Jesse: You 2 have got to know something.

Me and Ella: What is IT in the first place?

Jesse: It is a baby.

Me: A baby!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Ella: What’s it got to do with Anna. *Tries to stay calm*

Jesse: It is in her.

Me: Uh? Like technically inside?

Jesse: Yes, and now she is-

Ella: A baby…

Jesse: and now she is going to give birth to it.

Me: Okay, let’s go back outside, this is an overdose of info.

Jesse: Suit yourself. *Walks off shakily*

[Part 13]

Well, it has been 4 hours since just now and all I can see is this round white thing covered in blood coming out of Anna (They took down her dress skirt and covered her with green cloth.

Doctor Terri Bel: Almost there…I think

Anna: Thank guggleness. OWWWW.

Doctor Terri Bel: Why in the World is this an egg?!?!?!?!

Jesse: Due to bird genes maybe.

Anna is screaming in pain and kicking her legs in the air and gripping onto Jesse so tight he looks like he’s gonna’ cry too.

[Part 14]

Wow, lots of parts.

It is night now and finally something happens. The rest of the crowd has been driven away by sleepiness but because of my ADHD (or was it PDDH?), I can’t sleep.

Doctor Terri Bel is pulling an egg out of Anna. I cannot believe my eyes!

Anna looks SO SO SO relieved. She is lying there and panting like a chicken (haha!) Too bad for her, it doesn’t end here.

[Part 15]

Doctor Terri Bel cut this long tubing and wiped the egg before passing it to Anna, then he wraps the green cloth around Anna and sends her back into the dorm.

Gosh, that scream was loud, it shook the whole dorm. Doctor Terri Bel had already left for his beauty sleep and our stupid sound-proof doors wouldn’t let him hear Anna’s ear-splitting scream.

Me: What’s up Anna?

Anna: Why am I still in pain?

Me: Aftershock maybe?

Anna: No, look. *Looks downwards*

Me: Water?

Jesse: What is it? *Gets up from bed hugging the egg.*

Anna: Ow, ow, ow, ow *Grabs belly and rolls on floor*

Jesse: Isn’t your stomache supposed to go back to normal?

Anna: ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Oh my.

[Part 16]

More blood. More and more. It’s just gushing out of Anna. Wait, is the egg starting to move, I saw it twitch!

Me: The egg twitched!

Jesse: Really?!? *Egg splits by his side, there’s a baby there*

Me: My, my

Ella: What in the ****** world is that? (Anna told me to cancel that out, it was only yubbly.)

Jesse: Look…she’s so cute!

Anna: Can someone help me?

Jesse: Go get Terri Bel

Me and Ella: He’s gone, we searched.

Jesse: GET HAZEL!!!

Ella and I rush off.

[Part 17]

Hazel: *Yawns* What?

Me: Anna is in whazzat? Oh, yah, labour, again.

Hazel: Huh?

Ella: *Repeats what I said*

Hazel: Bring me to your dorm now.

Me: OK.

[Part 18]

So Anna was in so-called labour the whole day until 10:30 am the next day. When a real baby, not an egg came out. It was FREAKY!!!

Anna was hugging both babies and saying stuff like good boy and good girl.

[Back to the present, no more parts]

Anna: What should we name them?

Jesse: You name the girl, I name the boy?

Anna: OK then, I want Belle.

Jesse: I want Petr Dimitriz

Anna: What language is that?

Jesse: Russian/Czechoslovakian

Anna: OK.

Me: I can’t believe what just happened.

Ella: Me too.

Hazel: Uh, me three, *yawns*

Jesse: *snores in bed*

So we’re happy and normal, tell you more soon, time to toughen up those little babies.

THE TOUGHIE,

TEDDY